On Love & Loss
Is there a pain more excruciating than the pain of a loved-one lost? Be it a person, a pet, or even a place, the hurt cuts to the core and leaves us forever altered.
Earlier this year I pulled cards and was dismayed by the reading. it was riddled with loss and death. As the year has progressed, the reading seems to have come to fruition. Beyond the loss of integrity and civility in our society with the ushering in of this new administration, I have experienced personal loss that has been difficult to navigate.
Most recently, we lost our beloved black lab Smalls. He was 15 and lived a long, happy, pain-free life. He was with us through the upbringing of our children and countless life changes. Though he passed peacefully at home, the experience of scheduling his euthanasia and then giving the final go ahead was something for which I was unprepared. The questioning. The self doubt. The instant regret, even though logically and medically it was the right decision.
Working from home these past several years Smalls has been my constant companion. Our home feels so empty now, even though it's filled with people. Hollow. No one to bark at the deer and fox he could no longer chase. No one to lie with his head on my lap. It's a void that won't soon be filled.
The yoga community of which I have belonged for the better part of a decade has likewise experienced a jarring loss: the closure of our beloved Cave. More than a yoga studio, it was a sanctuary. A space for gathering, learning, and healing. This sacred place abruptly closed, leaving a gaping hole in my daily life, and undoubtedly the lives of many others. The connection is just gone, and all because of actions that are against the very teachings of yoga. Knowing that things could have been done very differently, with integrity and respect for the community The Cave created, is especially difficult to comprehend.
Some will say it was "just business". I reject this attitude. Relying on such a hollow platitude is a sure sign that you are out of alignment. I believe this to be true in all cases, but particularly the spiritual space. It is a betrayal of all the things yoga represents.
I know it happened, and yet it is difficult to rectify in my mind and in my heart. So many people hurt and for no good reason.
And yet, life - and yoga - urges us to move forward. Not with bitterness or sadness, but with gratitude for what was and openness to new experiences. Loss itself isn't the tragedy. Rather, hardening your heart and letting your grief transmute you into someone you no longer recognize is. Pushing back against what is serves no purpose. The real work of life is leaning into all experiences - both the good and the bad - and letting them guide you into more expansive versions of yourself.
